to hear your heart beat (fast)

what.

I think I turned off my competitive edge somewhat permanently.

This is most likely a bad thing.

Also, single mode is my default mode. I can’t even begin to articulate how I feel about this, except that my life’s romance exists only in the elaborate plots of fiction novels. And sometimes television drama, but let’s not get into how my time has been increasingly consumed by an inexplicable preoccupation with virtual screens. This used to not be a problem, I swear.

So, Spain in the fall? For real this time? Goodbye, America; hola, Andalucia?

Yes, I do still want to be a doctor, very much so. Why does everyone think that [making it into] medical school and enjoying my early twenties are mutually exclusive? I’m not ditching anything; I’m just squeezing it all in. Chilllllll and let me be a little optimistic, for once in my life. Let me not die in the rat race.

All this talk of “my life” and what used to be. Am I not living in the present? Sometimes I think I see the present only as a stepping stone from the past to the future, and not as life itself, which is the saddest part about living. I think I need to see somebody about this instead of publishing it online, probably. Probably.